Writing about Bird Freaks: Hazardous Duty at Best
by Kurisuta1
Summary: This is where I, Max, and my family, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy and Angel tell what really happened in the fourth Maximum Ride book. I'm a little late to the game but I'm still gonna play
1. Chapter 1

**AN: It's script form but Max is more or less narrating so sometimes it will say "Max:" and then her quote and then sometimes she'll just narrate. Everyone else is script form though. Fang's blog is put up in posts like the real thing.**

* * *

Character Introduction! 

Max: Fight the Sanity!

Fang: *sings* All you neeed is looove!

Iggy: I'll explode you!

Gazzy: I'm hungry you rat bastards!

Nudge: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111

Angle: And in the darkness lies only......bunnies.

* * *

**This is where I, Max, and my family, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy and Angel tell what really happened in the fourth Maximum Ride book. Warning: This fanfic has taken the form of randomness to follow suit with the book. **

Prologue: Writing about Bird Freaks:

Hazardous Duty at Best

* * *

**Iggy, Fang and I are still 14. How after at least a year has passed since we started this story? Well it's the magic of the drugs children, you see-**

Dr. Martinez: _Max_

Max: Oh my bad. The mysteries are not yours to hold my children.

Angle: *steps up to Ari's grave and tosses dirt in*

Gazzy: *steps up to grave. Tosses in confetti.* Yay, that freaks dead! You were too cute as a little kid and only a year younger than me. I couldn't have you taking my spot-light man.

Nudge: *steps up to grave. Spits in it* Good riddance

Max: *steps up to grave*

Fang: Now I'm going to touch your hair in a comforting way Max

Max: Ack! Eeeek! Must_wash_hair!!!!!!

Fang: That's okay Max, then I'll just tell you how sexy you smell after a shower

Max: Ahhhhh! *bangs head on wall*

Iggy: Can I put a bomb in after the corpse?

Jeb: No

Iggy: Awwww why not!?

Jeb: Okay, maybe. I'll think about it. Go ahead Max.

Max: Okay so I don't have much to say but you were my half-brother in the end and that's why it hurts so much. Damn Jeb why couldn't you keep your pants on?

Fang: *steps up* Dude you were like 8 and couldn't spell but you signed Wolverine on that boy's shirt. Man you hit on Max in the first book but in the second she said you were just a kid and didn't think that way. Dude, you died but came back to life. Basically...I guess what I'm trying to say is.... you were fucked up Ari.

* * *

Jeb: *claps hands together* Now then, the real reason why we're all here.

Nudge: To talk about the sales?

Jeb: No

Gazzy: To hand out donuts?

Jeb: No

Nudge: To promote world awareness?

Jeb: That's it! -....Wait, no...

Iggy: We're all here to watch me dance! *break dances*

Jeb: Dr. Martinez do you have the taser?

Dr. Martinez: Yes sir

Jeb: *zaps Iggy* Okay, we're all here to, come this way now, we're all here to move the plot forward!

Gazzy: *eyes get wide* M-Max, I-I don't want this to be one of those m-moments when you-you- get a si-ign that the end of the world is coming *cries*

* * *

Part One: Another Part of the Bad Picture.

* * *

**Jeb just told us some government higher-ups want to talk to us. So we've come to the edge of the woods with 'a small landing strip, scraped into the forest like a wound.' **

Max: Oh no! A landing strip in the forest! That's wrong to the environment! Fight the power! Go Green! Go, go, Go!

Fang: Max, not yet.

Fan girls: Oh my gawd! Fang said something! And said it to Max! Faxness!

Max: A jet? I don't think so.

Jeb: Guys this jet will take you there faster than you can fly yourselves.

**_I knew this but really I just wanted more than anything then to turn, run and jump into the air. The sweet rush of freedom I get snapping my wings open, like an orgasm..... _**

**_Instead Jeb wanted to play sardines and put me in a tiny jet. _**

Jeb: Max, don't you trust me? Remember Max, "_I am your father_"

Max: Noooo! I mean, eh hem. No I don't trust you, you- I meaaan..... _(damn I forgot I need to be more 'mature' for the younger age groups Jimmy the Cricket is reaching for now) _Well I don't trust Jeb but I do trust my mom. I love my mom so much even though I just met her and found out who she was and she gave me away to be some lab experiment, sleeping with a man I hate just to advance science. And then went off having another daughter. And she wants to do the same suspicious thing as Jeb, who I hate, so yeah I totally trust her. So I'll do it.

Nudge: Weren't you kinda harsh to Jeb, Max?

Max: What, did I call him a mother fucking prick? No. So there. I will forgive but I never, ever forget.

Gazzy: *sings like Jacoby Shaddix * And I hope you know you've lost my respect!

* * *

Nudge: *soda can zips toward her* Holy crap I'm magnetic! It's attracted to my skin! I'm invulnerable!

Gazzy: Ha, ha, ha lets make a game of throwing a bunch of metal objects at her!!

All: *starts throwing random metals at Nudge.*

Iggy: Man, it sucks that I'm blind; I can't join in the fun....

Fang: Okay Iggy you take this... *guides his hand to an anvil.* ....and throw.

Iggy: Yay, I'm included! *throws anvil*

Nudge: Ahhhh! *bam!*

Iggy: Nudge?

...............

Max: It's the start of the end of the world!!!!!!

Gazzy: I thought that started in book one?

* * *

Jeb: It's possible that you guys are starting to mutate on your own

Max: Story mutation is never good. Just look how short this book became to cope with the crappiness of the plot.\

* * *

Chapter Six is a Fang's Blog chapter. Here Fang blogs something he has never blogged and answers questions that have never been asked. And well, he never answers questions on the REAL blog. Heck he even started a new site so his obligation would go _poof_ as we all began to bicker with each other about whether or not Nudge's breast are too big in the manga.

_Sweetmarie420:_

_Hey, hey Fang are you and Max gonna have babiez? And are they gonna be eggz?_

Jee, I hope so.

_MelysaB:_

_Hey Fang my man! I have a house up in the Colorado Mountains if you ever need to hide out there! Dude!_

YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! I KNOW IT'S YOU! Your one of THEM! DAMN! *kills computer* ATTACK! Attack! You evil spy! I'll kick your ass you fucking freak! Stop following us! Don't think I'll fall for your mind tricks MelysaB-not-my-real-name! I don't even know who THEM is anymore but you're definitely one of THEM!

Peace out dudes.

Fly on (Max)

-Fang

* * *

**Notes for those fools who didn't get it: **

**Jacoby Shaddix is the lead singer of Papa Roach. With the song that has the lyrics "I will forgive but I won't forget, and I hope you know you've lost my respect." (First thing I thought of when I read that line from Max) **

**The part with Nudge and her new power is a parody of the Norse myth about Balder who couldn't be harmed by any objects so the gods made a game of throwing things at him. Hod, who was blind, was upset that he couldn't join in the fun so Loki who liked to spoil things for the hell of it gave Hod a mistletoe (which was the one thing that could harm Balder) and told him to throw it. Hod did and Balder died. This event is said to of triggered the start of the end of the world (Ragnorok) in Norse mythology.**

**A lot of the rest of the stuff is just based off the actions and dialogue of the 4th book so I guess you know that....**

**I'll try and post every day, I've actually already written most of the story, up to where they save Angle. **

**The titles are based off the actual titles in the book, too, if you didn't catch that. Like "Another Part of the Bad Picture" was originally "Another Part of the Big Picture"**

**Oh and there_ is_ a reason Angle has spoken a _single_ word yet.**

**Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Sorry it wasn't up yesterday. My internet connection was out so I couldn't update _ That might happen from time to time but if I don't have the internet for an extended period I'll try and get on someone else's computer to update. **

* * *

Voice: Max, I want you to be good at this meeting in Washington. I bet a bunch of money with these guys so god forbid you screw it up for me.

Max: Alright, alright Jeb. *rolls eyes* I get it.

Voice: I'm not Jeb.

Max: What?

Voice: God woman are you deaf? I'm right inside your head for lord Lucifer's sake, I _said _"I'm NOT Jeb." He can do the voice (he's been practicing with that puppet among doing other things with it) but he isn't actually the voice.

Max: Wait so Jeb can do the voice but isn't the voice? Are you fucking with me?

Voice: Probably. By the next 2 books it will be revealed that even though I said I wasn't Jeb and he could just do the voice that I really was Jeb just pretending to pretend to really be Jeb, your screwy father figure, who is actually a girl who got a sex change and slept with Fang's dad so you two are actually related! Isn't that fun!?

* * *

Max: Alright guys so it turns out Jeb isn't the voice

Iggy: What?

Max: I know I said he said he was like 7 chapters ago but it turns out he isn't.

Gazzy: I still think your screwy Max. Only crazy people hear voices and you know it!

Nudge: Holy shit Jeb isn't the voice! How many times have I read that _on this site_? In _Fanfiction_? Amazing! Jimmy Pat must be on some physic link with his fans!

Fang: Or stealing their ideas

Gazzy: Or letting one of them write his books

Iggy: Or sleeping with them.

* * *

**So the White House you know? You've seen it on postcards, not like your school ever actually took you there, ours didn't. Har, har. So it's like really…. **_**big**_** and really ****White.**** And like you usually drive up to it in a limo, we so did. So yeah. My descriptive abilities only reach the age of my character…minus 10**.

Flock: *walks into room*

Olive-shirt dude: Hi there *tips hat* I'd love to explain to you who I am and why I matter but first I have to ramble off a list of drinks I can offer you and make a distasteful remark about your little demon, mutant Scottie dog, who looks like a regular dog to _me_.

Total: Grrrrr

Max: Calm Toto.

Olive-shirt dude: We have a document of the past few action packed months or so of your lives. And we'll show you all this to prove to you just what freaks you really are and how you're being watched every step of the way *grins*

Nudge: Movie time!

Gazzy: Oh boy! *munches popcorn*

Iggy: Maaaan…..

*lights dim*

*huge screen comes down*

*shows life and times of the Flock*

…………………….

Gazzy: Holy crap this movie **sucks**!!!!

* * *

Tailored gray skirt-suit woman: You all are most impressive. *drinks water*

Older man-dude: We've asked you to come because we have obviously been watching your every move. Just look at the video. And might I add the editing is quite impressive. Notice the fade in effect between scenes of you flying and how the camera zooms in and flashes back out at Ari's dieing face. And man oh man I can't get over the masking at 1:26 seconds. If only we could set it to music then- Oh um, well yes. Anyway, your full _potential_, yes that's it, potential.

Max: What do you mean by full _potential_?

**A guy that looked just like Bill Nye the Science Guy, cause I kid you not, I lack that much imagination that I can't come up with my own descriptive traits, spoke next. **

Bill Nye: How do you all feel about breeding?

Fang: *face lights up and sits forward in seat*

Max: Well first I have a few questions for you guys.

Tailored gray skirt-suit woman: Yeah! Well_ I_ have a question for _you_ Maximum Ride! Blonde or brunette Max? Blonde of Brunette?

Older man-dude: Excuse her. So what was your question?

Max: Well mainly: To what end?

Bill Nye: Hunh?

Max: Okay, so you breed us. Stick us in little cages and test our DNA to see what traits would be best for Pedigree Shows and take our children and sell them for 100 bucks a pop as Snitzel-oodles. Then what?

*Silence*

* * *

Dude with collar stars of a general: What do you mean?

Max: I mean…adults suck, kids rule and never ever will I trust you.

Middle aged man in a blue suit: You're children. Children can't make there own decisions about sex. That's why we must breed you.

Max: Listen man, I grew up in a _dog crate_ where I was molested daily by guys in white lab coats with freakishly cold hands. And though the scalpels did turn me on a little I don't need any of your crap got it?

**I saw the flock standing around me. Fang looking sex-crazed. Gazzy looking hoped up on sugar. Angle looking cute and scary. Toto looking thirsty. Nudge looking dumb. And Iggy looking blind. I knew I could count on them. **

Olive-shirt dude: Uh, maybe we should try again tomorrow?

Max: Damn straight bitch.

* * *

(Back in the limo)

Dr. Martinez: Well my dear that went ever so well!

Max: *snort*

**And then we were all laughing**

**Cause someone had put laughing gas in the car. **

* * *

**And please review. It shows what a good soul you have if you review my story. ^_^ I'll give you some cake too! **


	3. Chapter 3

**As you all know (or might not) as one of my fellow fanficers put it, this site committed suicide over the weekend and no one could update or login. So now that things are back on track I present you with Chapter 3! **

**I don't own Maximum Ride-if I did it would not equate to such great amounts of fail.**

* * *

Dr. Martinez: Kay, I ordered the pizzaaas!

Jeb: Now you kids be good while I go knock up your mom again Max, and make more helpless children to be mutant freaks.

Fang: I really admire that man.

* * *

Gazzy: More lemonade my sex slave!

Iggy: No wait, the blue cup is mine

All: Hunh?

Fang: What color is this?

Iggy: *touches* Yellow, wait a sec what exactly am I touching?

Gazzy: hehehe

Nudge: Amazing!

Iggy: Ha, man I can kinda see! This will so help me get the ladies! I just touch em and it's like _bam!_ baby you're a beautiful mocha skin tone with slightly tan hands and the most amazing amber eyes!

Max: Sexist pig

Iggy: Cliché marry-sue

Max: Sad pathetic pity character

Iggy: Generic sarcastic tomboy heroine

Max: _Secondary_ male character

Iggy: _Love interest_ of _main_ male character

Max: You didn't.

Iggy: I did.

Max: Argghhhh! *attacks Iggy* How about we see what color your _blood _is you freak!

* * *

Gazzy: God I'm hungry! I could eat a cow!

Max: Well being mutant bird freaks does mean we get really hungry!

Nudge: That's why we ordered 65 pizzas!

*Ding Dong!*

Gazzy: Holy crap it's here, it's here, it's here! I'm gonna gorge myself now, not get fat, and teach impressionable kids the virtue of gluttony!

Max: *opens door*

Pizza guy: H-hey. You guys sure ordered a lot of pizza, are you having an all-night party?

Max: Why yes, yes we are

Gazzy: I'm so hungry I'm so hungry I'm so hungry

Pizza guy: Well that'll be 900.45. Woa-Waoh! *falls down due to weight of pizzas* …… *dies*

Gazzy: *looks at pizza guy, looks at Max* Can we eat him too?

* * *

Max: Alright that's- Hey wait a second that's only 60 pizzas! This guy shirked us 5 pies!

Nudge: Don't worry, I took his wallet

Max: Okay then. Cheese for me. Hey Gazzy you little fucking brat don't touch my pizza!

Gazzy: But Max! There's a twist tie sticking out of it!

Iggy: That's a bomb you fool!

Gazzy: You don't freakin know, you can't see! *pulls at wire*

Fang: Duck!!!!!!

Iggy: Push Max in! Kamikaze! One, two, three, mutiny!

BOOM !!!

Fang: *cough, cough* Max you okay?

Max: Yeah. …..Why is your arm around me looser?

Fang: Heh, heh. Don't you think we should just start making out now?

Max: The fan girls put you up to this didn't they?

Fang: Yes, I even put the bomb in the pizza just so we could get in this position. Cause I mean the book isn't ever gonna explain who did this so it might as well be me!

* * *

(Later that evening)

_Maaax. Maaaax. I'm here to harass you in your dreams. _

Max: Ahhh! Ninja style sleeping defense! Get away you pervert!

Fang: *standing all dark and mysterious-like* Let's take a little spin

Max: Spin?

Fang: Yeah *raises eyebrows* A _spin._ You know a _spin. _You and me: takin a _spin._

Max: Okay I get it. Stop italicizing the word fag.

Fang: So, wanna spin?

Max: No I think we should go fly aimlessly into the night. It's much more romantic and less plot advancing.

(A while later)

Fang: Let's sit on that board walk there.

_Me and Fang have a brother-sister relationship damn it. Brother-sister, brother-sister, brother-sister_ I chanted in my head, and as an after thought added. _And I'm not from West Virginia. _

* * *

Fang: You liiiike me Max. I know you do!

Man: You do not you perv! I know you gave me those drugs on purpose. Back at my mom's I wasn't getting my chip removed. You gave me the valium to get me high so you could rape me! But I was too smart for you! I will never give you my chocolate chip cookies bastard!

Fang: *blink* Max, you know you like me cause you got like totally super jealous of the red haired girl. Hehehehe.

Max: Yeah well Virginia sucks

Fang: But _West_ Virginia doesn't. *raises eyebrows twice* Right? Right?

Max: I'm not letting you get to me!

Fang: *looks down* And I – I hated Sam

Max: Well that's your problem. He was most likely an Eraser but hell we'll never know. It's not like anything stands on solid ground in these books. And that _INCLUDES_ our **Relationship**!!!

Fang: Maxy you're so mean! *cries*

Max: Yeah well deal with it!

Fang: No! I'm gonna force myself on you! *tries to kiss her*

Max: Noooo! *flies away, wing smacking him in the face*

Fang: Max! No don't run away while I try to rape you! I'll cut myself! My emo teenage mutant hormones are going wild! I must kiss something! I already tried on Gazzy but he kicked me in the balls! That's why you won't get pregnant if I rape you! Come baaaack!

* * *

Max: *flying up high* Damn that damned Fang; I hate him and all his undying love for me, who has never been loved. I hate him and his long/short emo hair that's length is as equally undecided on as the color of mine.

* * *

**Please Review. Reviews make me happy. Oh, and if you want faster updates (like a day or 2 before I update on here) go to Maximum-x. Go to Discussion, Young Writers and the chapters are put up in installments called "Fang is a Stalker"**


End file.
